New Moon Review part 2

I wrote part 1 of this yesterday, you should read that first. Let’s jump right in shall we?

Post-Jakum Depression
Things are bad again and without another guy to latch onto (because Mike sucks), Bella is back to being depressed despite those other people who still tolerate her existence even though she’s such a hateful bitch all the time. “You know, I think this would be a great time to go wandering in the woods without telling anyone where I am, especially as there’s wild animals (supposedly) killing things and an angry vampire after me.”

This turns out about the way we would expect as Laurent (the vampire with the dreads from the last movie) shows up to rid her of all that pesky blood she’s greedily hoarding in her veins. Sped makes another appearance as she tries to lie to get out of her impending doom – “Lie better”, he says. Sheesh, if only a man was there to lie for her rather than her having to rely on her incompetent girl brain she wouldn’t need such specific advice.

I mean seriously, it took her approximately five seconds without a man to get into trouble. Will this woman never learn? Luckily some men show up to save her. Well, wolfmen. Duhn duhn DUUUUUUHHNNN. Incidentally, why is it that the dogs in Up were better animated than the wolves in New Moon? I just want to let animators know: Jiggly doesn’t mean more realistic-looking; it just means oddly jiggly.

Bella tells Charlie she saw some wolves. Well that certainly explains all those mysterious attacks that were mentioned earlier! Or DOES IT? Later Jake shows up all shirtless in Bella’s room. Unintentional dirty hilarity: “You have no idea how tight I’m wound”, Jake says. Later she goes to his house to confront him again and accidentally pisses off a werewolf guy, leading Jake to change right in front of her to defend her honour.

So a short while ago Jake changes, he breaks his promise to keep his promise by breaking it or some frigging thing that makes no sense, makes it clear he has a BIG SECRET, and then another five seconds later she finds out anyway. Pacing: yer doin’ it wrong.

So Now She Knows
Strangely, though the pack expended so much effort in keeping their secret from Bella (going to far as to damage Jake’s relationship with her) they don’t seem that upset about her finding out. In fact, it’s almost like they expected the plot to progress like this…

Her and Jake certainly have to talk. “Ugh, damn my annoying superpower that gave me wicked abs and that I can control willingly whenever I need it /whine.”

Meanwhile Charlie and the gang are still out hunting for the animals that have been killing people, because they don’t know it’s a vampire and thanks to Bella they now think it’s wolves. Oops. Too bad they took one of the Quileute. “You got something there, suspicious person? Huh, we never seem to find anything when you’re with us. I think you’re bad luck, hehe.” “Uh yeeeaaah, hehe.” And then Dad’s best friend gets killed in a montage. Harsh.

Aside: What is with this movie’s music? Epic chase scene, 80s inspired mumbly soft rock? Wtf?

The Suicide
Seriousface. I’m not going to split hairs here. No matter how the movie dresses it up, this was a suicide attempt. This troubled young girl jumped off a cliff because of her break-up induced depression in order to see her boyfriend’s face again and didn’t care if she survived. Her motivations are glossed over in the movie. The significance of this moment is glossed over in both the book and the movie. For something that’s supposed to be “inoffensive” teen angsty abstinence allegory, this is some dark shit that deserved more attention — and is more interesting than the rest of the nonsense going on. As it is, it’s completely mishandled. Ok seriousface over.

Questions you should ask before cliff diving: Do I have werewolf strength? Can I swim? Will the waves kill me? Are there rocks down there? Are there lurking vampires in the water? (Note: I wrote those questions before I saw the scene – I was exactly on target down to the order that those things became relevant. Points!)

But luckily there was a man nearby to save her!

Oops
Jake drives Bella home after his heroic rescue. “This is better now that you know about me” – cause those 10 minutes when you didn’t really, really sucked.

Some notes on the following scenes (Alice shows up all “you’re not dead? yay!”, Ed thinks Bella is dead anyway, travel montage to Italy):

  • Your visions suck balls, Alice.
  • You suck at keeping secrets, Bella (as she promptly lets loose to Alice that Jake is a werewolf).
  • Poorly-done racism analogy — wow, avant guarde. Or maybe you could have spent some time on that suicide thing…
  • Ah, the kiss rape. Well at least she looked into it, as opposed to in the book when he blatantly assaulted her.
  • Oops, interrupty phone call. Good job bella, way to put him away wet. It’s for reals Ed (I’ll call him Fred) calling to make sure Bella is still alive. Jake implies Bella is dead — dooooouche. Way to ingratiate yourself by being a dick.
  • Pattinson you’re a terrible actor. I’m surprised there wasn’t a Vader NOOOOOO!, but I appreciate the restraint.
  • REMEMBER AT THE BEGINNING WHEN THEY WERE READING ROMEO AND JULIET?!?! Sledge. Hammer.

After it becomes apparent that Fred is as much of an emotional basketball as Bella and is going to kill himself, Bella takes off: “Bye jake, I’m ditching you! See ya when I need ya again! kthxbai!”

Italy
I think we can figure out that Bella saves Fred JUST IN TIME. Edward has just the stupidest plans. His best plan ever was not being in this movie for over an hour. (What if it had been cloudy that day? Would he have just waited around for better weather? Good thing it was sunny or this scene would have been way less epic — they catch him watching TV in his hotel roo– EEEEWWWWWW pale hairy chest FTL. My EYES!!).

We meet the Volturi. These are the lamest fucking vampires I’ve ever seen — phony untraceable accents, lame clothes, stupid hair, general paleness. And I doubt Italians speak Italian that slowly and awkwardly. When a Volturi gets up in the morning, what’s the routine? “I think I’ll wear the cape, red lipstick, and do my hair like so.”

“You didn’t have to feel guilty”, Bella tells Fred – even though he left for no reason, because he could have just stayed since he was separate from his family anyway after he left…jerk. And then: “I’m nothing” – Wow. Clingy, emotionally retarded, self-loathing, blinking like her eyes are trying to escape her face, stuttering like Jimmy from South Park. HAWT.

The Volturi decide to test Bella because she’s immune to mind reading. “Let us see if she’s immune to all our powers.” Why would he jump to that conclusion? “She confounds us all.” After his experiment with a data set of two, he jumps to yet another conclusion. Well, I guess that’s what happens if you’re made a vampire before science became a thing…

Bella offers herself so they stop hurting Fred. “Kill me!” – or, you know, break up with him because this is bullshit.

There’s apparently a rule that Bella isn’t allowed to know about vampires so their solution is that she has to die or be made into a vampire. She barely contains her fist pump and exclamation of “yessss!” Their lame threats make no sense when they are supposed to be all powerful and have nothing to lose by just changing her right then and there like they wanted to in the first place. But no, we need another movie (like a hole in the head).

Home
Fred: “I thought I was protecting you” – yeah that’s some hubris you got going on there, that’s why in healthy normal relationships people have conversations and make mutual decisions. “I’ll never leave again – THIS time, I mean it even though I threatened it at the end of the first movie and then did it for real, but you just have to trust me.”

About Charlie: “He’s not going to forgive me easily” and neither should she, you melodramatic asshat! But let’s kiss like nothing happened, Jake who?

Bella wants to be a vampire. Let’s vote… for some reason… on changing her life forever… even though technically we have no choice if we want to save her from being killed by the Volturi…

“I wanna say something first” I wanna say something reeeeeal condescending and face-rubby.

Wait? Jake’s upset? Gee, how could this possibly have ended badly? She only strung him along until her boyfriend moved back and then told him she was going to be a vampire, the wolf’s sworn enemy. Gah. Lighten up.

Guillotine
“Marry me.” or “You are a crazy person that folds herself out of pictures so I left to make you less crazy which didn’t work so I guess I should marry you instead.”

Cut to black.

omfg

I don’t know what it is about these movies that make me not give a shit about the characters and their feelings, but the blandness, the pacing, and total lack of any sense may have something to do with it. Reading this over, I got a tad more ragey as the movie went on. Oops. Then I realized I could have been subjected to much worse: YouTube searches for “Bella and Jacob” are soul-crushing. Fun game: Follow the sidebar links for a while, see how long it takes til you vomit.

If you like sarcasm and also hated this movie, also check out my page listing much Twilight-related humor including Read it and Weep – a podcast that reviews terrible books and movies, including this one.

These movies should be about Charlie. Just putting that out there. He’s the only likable character – the only one.

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