New Moon review

So to continue my trend of Twilight-induced self-torture, I watched the movie New Moon. I wrote this months ago when I saw the movie , but I just didn’t have time to thoroughly shorten my notes into a coherent blog post. In “honour” of Eclipse coming out next week (I think), I figure now’s a good time to stop being lazy.

A few notes: There will be massive spoilers because I have tried my hardest to put things into appropriate context. That being said, there may still be a few details that lose salience if you haven’t seen the movie. So if you must see the movie, I highly recommend rifftrax. Then come back and read. If you don’t care, read on.

Although watching this movie was painful, nothing can top hearing my 13-year-old niece squeal and salivate over Wolfy’s hairless man chest when I brought up that I watched it. [shudder]

In general, this was not a great movie. Five minutes in, Bella was already a sad and annoying character:

  • Vain jealousy of boyfriend’s ageless beauty, indicating wallowing in low self-esteem.
  • Awkward interaction with friends followed by knowing resolution of “boyfriend is here, I guess we’ll go”, suggesting unhealthy isolation from friends.
  • Quoth Rifftrax: “She blinks at the rate a hummingbird flaps its wings.” But Bella seems to have replaced blinking with stuttering in this movie.
  • Leering at her boyfriend as he arrives for school in the cheesiest way possible. What felt like about 20 minutes of this 1 minute scene was just Edward walking in the parking lot in slow motion in his pale, skinny, tall-haired glory.

See? Unfortunately I wasn’t kidding about the parking lot.

So they’re in the school parking lot, getting in some depressed and awkward making out before class, when Thickneck McGee (Jacob) brings his wig to the party. Edward stands around awkwardly, awash in possessive lurkiness, while Jake and Bells have a conversation. Later, in school, Jasper comments to Bella “mmm, snack” and is unceremoniously given a new power that we’ve never heard of before (the ability to make people feel certain emotions). Afterward, Ed casually mentions the Volturi (something else we’ve never heard before) in English class and chagrins his arrogant teacher with his faux sexy Romeo and Juliet recitation.

There is so much fiveshadowing in that short span of time it was like at least three simultaneous sledgehammers to the head: Jasper will try to eat Bella in the face, the Volturi will be important, and Romeo and Juliet is the poorly-veiled (read: ripped off) theme.

The Danger!

Hey remember Victoria? The redhead that looked kinda pissed at the end of the last movie? Let’s sloppily stick her in here somewhere so that when she turns up again in Eclipse, people aren’t all “who’s this bitch?”. Edward, ever melodramatic, says “It’s my job to protect you…for some reason, even though that’s really condescending and I don’t get paid. Not even in blowjobs. [Pointed look.]” [UPDATE: which I guess is a good thing considering what Ed’s penis looks like.] I might have made up everything after the ellipsis, but I saw it in his eyes.

Anyway, Bella cuts herself (accident cut, not emo cut) at her birthday party (which curiously involves neither her father or her other friends), giving Jasper a huge blood hard-on. So Ed decides to protect her with some quality slamming her into a bunch of glass. “I’ll protect you by making you bleed even more profusely in a room full of vampires, and by the way are you anemic or something? That paper cut bled a lot.” Ed, you suck at your “job”.

After her party, Sparkle Tits drives Bella home. Distant silence from your boyfriend is usually a good thing, right? RIGHT? Guys are supposed to look like they want to barf when they kiss you, right? RIGHT?!

For Your Own Good

The next day (I think), we see Bella looking at some pictures. How self-loathing do you have to be to fold yourself out of a picture of you and your boyfriend? Wow. That is extremely creepy. Speaking of creepy, here’s Ed just in time to break into his girlfriend’s house while she’s out and look at her pathologically-folded pictures. He gets “we need to talk” face. Guys are supposed to look like they’re about to break up with you, right? RIGHT?!

This is where Bella, if she were smarter, might clue in that he’s doing to her what she did to Charlie in the last movie. But she’s not so we get this pathetic dumping scene. Man alive. Try to have some dignity instead of crying and collapsing in the middle of the woods after begging your man to stay with you. Going into total catatonic depression with screaming nightmares and avoiding friends for months after a break-up without seeking treatment is the normal thing to do, right? RIGHT?! [No, it’s not. Anyone with feelings like this should talk to someone. Like this or a school counselor. Their job is to help.]

Aside: I will give the director props for actually coming up with a cool way to depict the passage of time when all he had to work with was several blank pages (I’m not making that up), represented in the audio book by an actual months-long blank space (probably made up).

We’re only 30 minutes in? Christ.

Crippling Depression

To fake being normal, Bella goes out with a friend – like totally totally like like totally like you know like totally you know like. That friend. And while she’s out, she sees Spectral Ed (I’ll just call him Sped). Hallucinating is definitely medication and psychiatrist time. But to his credit Sped, managing to be overbearing despite the notable handicap of not even being there, tells her not to do the stuff she’s doing. So she promptly does that stuff anyway just so she can see his face again. The paradox this creates then ripped a hole in the space time continuum thereby preventing the rest of the movie from happening. Total protonic reversal. Just kidding — I should be so lucky.

Not having endangered her life enough by hopping on a motorbike with the same group that was going to rape her in the last movie, she decides to rescue some bikes at the junk shop and use Jacob as long as it suits her. She’s a heck of a gal, that one.

Hanging Out With Jakey

Some quality lines here while they fix up the bikes:

  • “You’re, like, buff.” Translation: Could your neck be any thicker?
  • “Maybe I’m crazy now, I guess that’s ok.” Accepting potentially crippling psychosis because it allows you to see your ex is most definitely not ok.
  • “Stupid and reckless” hey you bring up a good point, there WolfJake. “When do we start?” and then you threw it right the frig out the window.
  • Wow, it’s too bad people keep making these ironic jokes about her age — the very thing that she’s irrationally insecure about (and probably wouldn’t be if she wasn’t in love with a vampire).
  • “Hey there, actors who were clearly hired for looks rather than talent.”
  • “Jake makes me feel better…for some reason even though I just one day randomly showed up at his house despite never hanging out with him before for any significant length of time.”

Ok those last two weren’t real, but that doesn’t make them less true. Only with this movie could that conclusion logically follow from that premise…

So Bella’s having a blast — as much as a downer like her can have a blast — driving/hanging/biking with Jakey. I imagine Bella was thinking “Novice drivers should go this fast and not look where they’re going and then slam into a rock, right? RIGHT?!” because that’s the only thing that can explain what happens next, which is that she smashes her face on a huge boulder (not nearly as hard as she should have) and apologizes.

“Your apologizing for bleeding?” Sure you had a healthy relationsh- holy frakking blatant shirtlessness batman! He just whipped that right off. Lllllllllladies. Jake, could your teeth be any whiter? It’s like how much more white could they be? The answer is none, none more white.

Cut to her still faking that she wants to hang out with her friends, though her head injury seems to have given her some personality for a change. For some reason Mike still finds her appealing: “Bella’s back!” Right, ’cause she was so friendly and lively before, so yay? I can see why he’s so excited and wants to date her. She’s a barrel of laughs. They awkwardly decide to go to the movie Face Punch (really) but only Bella, Jake, and Mike (the two boys who like her for some reason ) show up. AWKWARD, you guys! In this scene I learned that, in a dark room, Jake’s teeth could help you find the escape route.

Mike gets sick so Jake and Bella have a heart-to-heart in the lobby. “I won’t let you down” says Jake. I smell fiveshadowing. I bet you a million bajillion dollars that he will, in fact, let her down. Five seconds later, he starts his metamorphosis — well they sure didn’t waste any time with that plot twist. Five minutes later comes the leaving and letting her down. Wow, usually foreshadowing happens earlier in the story; like earlier, not 2 lines “earlier”.

I think the director had just looked up “pathetic fallacy” in the dictionary before shooting this. RAIN MEANS SAD! I HAVE ABS. IN THE RAIN. This is the kind of scene that’s supposed to be really serious but they deliver the lines so overwrought and lame and in the rain (not just a little, either, but like buckets of hurricane flood rain) that it’s just plain hilarious. But I like that his friends stood around and waited awkwardly for him in the woods for like 10 minutes while he had this whole conversation even though they seemed like they were in kind of a hurry before.

“Buu buh but you promised some stuff for some reason even though I treat you like garbage!” “And this is me keeping that promise” in yet another condescending way in which I, as the moody broody man, do something “for your own good” without telling you why or allowing any autonomy in your own life.

I’m an hour into this – halfway done! wooo!!! And you know what? This is getting really long. Stay tuned for part 2 tomorrow.

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