My Twilight Theory

“If you don’t like Twilight so much, why did you read the books? Why do you like talking about it?”

I have the answer.

Twilight, for some inexplicable reason, is a pop culture phenomenon. Eventually it’s going to burn out, but while it’s here it’s the big newz. People are talking about it, they’re into it, if you can’t keep up you’re out of the loop. And it’s as simple as that – I hate Twilight. That entire series is the most vapid, boring, worst ending-y horrible nonsense I have ever had the displeasure of reading or watching (except maybe for Charlie, who’s actually pretty likable). Yet I did both, I think, because it’s my way of being included in the fooferrah. If everyone is going to be talking about it anyway, I might as well go out of my way to do so, too. My talking about it just doesn’t happen to match what the fans are saying.

But yeah, I think that’s it – it’s just a way to be not left out of the event. It’s not that I cares so muuccch! that I have to talk about it. It’s that everyone is talking about it so I might as well talk about it, too…but, you know, with fun. Otherwise I might go insane from the prattle and have to lock myself in a box until after the last movie is released on DVD. That’s just not practical.

So in “honour” of New Moon, the crappy movie I have not seen yet (but I feel comfortable judging considering the source material), here are some Twilight-related links for those who’s vaginas don’t get wet (or penises hard) at the thought of sparkly vampires not boning us:

  • Masala Skeptic reviews the latest movie on Skepchick.
  • There’s this wonderful and concise synopsis in comic form.
  • Here’s the original movie in 30 second bunnies. It appears they haven’t done New Moon yet. (Although admittedly lately these are less “hilarious synopses in 30 seconds” and more “30 seconds of random cuts”.)
  • Ponder this abomination for a second.
  • These products made the rounds the first time out, but they bear repeating just to illustrate how frighteningly bizarre these fans are and how much money they’re willing to spend on shit. Bandages? Really? Also, shadowy decals to simulate night stalking are, I think, completely unprecedented and extremely disturbing. And giant, disembodied “pay no attention to that man [on] the curtain” head is way creepy (in fact, go watch Wizard of Oz; that movie rules).
  • Check out the podcast Read it and Weep that reviews Twilight and New Moon, among other crappy books.
  • And of course, the ever objective website Twilight Sucks.
  • There also various spoofs from both movies worth checking out.
  • See Cracked‘s take.

I might have to see New Moon just for the “so bad it’s good” hilarity it’s sure to provide, but I’m not sure I can take it without the Rifftrax. Although I’m fairly sure I can take it if I have unfettered use of the pause button and am free to laugh my face off when appropriate (which, if the movie is anything like the book, will be often).

But there you have it, folks – I just want to fit in! (Apparently.) So let me have my fun.

UPDATE: Moar. Even moar.

12 responses to “My Twilight Theory

  1. Heheh: Yep: you can count me in for the same reasons.

    It’s a bit train-wreckish, IYKWIM: I don’t really care that much, but it’s just such a phenomenon that I can’t not participate in it or have an opinion on it.

    I wrote a post earlier this year after seeing the first movie ( ) and I still hold by those thoughts. Namely, I think we sometimes underestimate teenagers’ ability to distinguish fantasy from reality, but I’m disturbed by the way it’s been embraced as some sort of positive message.

    But none of that changes the fact that the movies — and from the twenty insufferable pages I read, the books too — are terrible dreck that shouldn’t be capable of garnering the attention they’ve gotten.

  2. Wow… I just misspelled my own name up there. I hope that’s my one fail for the day.

  3. Haha, yeah my spam filter caught Patruck. :)

    And you’re right, it shouldn’t garner so much attention. Since it has, though, I say the haters should get as much chance to rag on it as the pushers get to squee over it. Drives me nuts when people essentially say “if you don’t like it, stop talking about it then”.

    My hating it shouldn’t affect their experience in liking it any more than their liking it should affect my experience in hating it. Since when can people only talk about things they like? Can be just as fun the other way! :)

  4. Thank you so much for articulating what I hadn’t realized: that there’s a reason for going through the pain of watching and reading Twilight. I feel slightly justified in wasting my time on them now.

    Thanks a lot for including Read it and Weep on your list. It’s nice to be involved with the intelligent criticism on this terrible series.

    • Thanks for stopping by, Ezra. I love the podcast. Keep ’em coming.

      Confessions of a Shopaholic was just about the worse movie I have ever seen…[shudder] possibly worse than Twilight because it wasn’t even “so bad it’s funny”. Hello, dating your boss? Way inappropriate. Though I hear that shopahol can make you do some craaazy shit.

      • Glad you like them! You keep listening, we’ll keep making ’em.

        Confessions was pretty bad, but it’s hard for me to hate it too much, since it came after reading the book which took longer and was a lot more painful.

        We’ve started Sarah Palin’s book, Going Rogue. It might just be the worst thing ever.

  5. It’s exactly this kind of rant that gives skeptics everywhere a bad name.

    This article is more likely to offend than to enlighten, so I ask…what’s the point?

    Let others have their fun and save your voice for issues that matter.

    • “Let others have their fun”? I shouldn’t have fun? Are you fucking serious? This is my personal blog. I’ll write about whatever the hell I’d like to write about, thanks. Feel free not to read it.

      I also write for other skeptical blogs about other skeptical topics “that matter”. Don’t lecture when you don’t know what you’re talking about. You have no idea what I do behind the scenes.

  6. Kimbo Jones has the funs for teh win!


    Seriously, I agree with you Kimbo. I’m not taking the piss, as our famililials across the big pond would say.

    I loved this anti-Twilight rant, and some of the linked-to material was rantingly fabulicious and oodles of fun.

  7. Honestly said I saw the first movie and felt like I should kill someone. It ruins the word twilight and makes fun of vampires.
    I studied vampire lore and this is the worse depiction of vampires in the history of writing. Furthermore the story itself is stupid and childish. I didn’t bother with the rest after that, but from what I’ve been told the terrible story plot was followed by even cheesier acting.
    So to all twilight fans all I can say is stop wasting brain cells on the movie and the next time I see a twilight fanatic I might just punch them out.


    ~twilight forever~