Two ridiculous products

Zicam

Tired of your boring old sense of smell? Annoyed with poop musk seeping out of the bathroom after your significant other drops a deuce? Sick of having to keep track of all 10 senses? Well fret no more! With our product, you can get rid of your pesky cold and your sense of smell in just one dose!

Thanks, FDA, for taking a fucking decade to clue in.

The Magic Missle Massage Bra

Have small boobs? Tired of being a lesser human being shunned by society because of your boob shortage? Well fret no more! With this bra you can not only push those puppies up to the stars, but you can also magically make them grow! Our bra does many nebulous sciencey sounding things! For example, want to dredge your breast glands? Our bra does that! Want to eliminate blood stasis? Our bra does that! …whatever that is… Want to reduce disease and have better internal secretion? Our bra apparently does that! How does it work? Our micro-computerized, low-voltage, intensity adjustable bra works by activating cell renewal and hormone secretion through physical massage with forceful vibration balls inside!

What. The. Fuck.

Anyone know if this is an Engrish joke? I’ll proceed as if it is serious, because these days I really can’t tell.

Ladies. Come with me on a journey. All that stuff up there that sounded all sciencey and neat? Nonsense. It doesn’t mean anything. I have no idea what it means to “dredge breast glands” with a bra and I don’t think I ever want to find out. Nor should you. /PSA music

Wow. The shit that’s allowed to be sold these days. I’m frigging amazed. Our watchdogerries are clearly overwhelmed. We need a new system, stat. Perhaps it would be beneficial to further breakdown quality control systems into subsystems and increase resources? I don’t know, but luckily it’s not my job to figure that out. Comsumer protection is more important than I think government funding plans allow for. Get with it, government — you’re supposed to protect us from the “awesome” private sector making claims that are complete bullshit. These days a lot of these things are clouded under “personal beliefs” (i.e., CAM). There was a time we used to call this fraud. Can we get back to that time please?

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2 responses to “Two ridiculous products

  1. From the bra-link:

    …secretion through physical massage with forceful vibration balls inside

    Do I even NEED to make the jokes? So many hilarious words! Secretion, forceful vibration, BALLS INSIDE!

    • Kimbo Jones

      Seriously, and they managed to pack them all into the same sentence. Impressive. Their double entendre fu is mighty.