Today in Batshit Insanity News

Sometimes Google reader just provides too much stupidity fodder at once. But I’ll stick to 2 3 today. For my sanity.

Only Voodoo Magic Can Prevent Forest Fires
Nicolas Cage has apparently lost his life-long battle with sanity and has hired a voodoo priestess to, seriously, remove a curse on his new movie. Evidence for the “curse” includes: a stuntman hitting 2 pedestrians with his car, an SUV hitting a parked car and injuring 9 people, and…well that’s it actually. Two car accidents in car-filled areas during car scenes. Iron. Clad.

The technique?

Everyone was shocked when the voodoo woman arrived on the set. She was wearing a long black and purple dress, had long stringy hair – and carried a broom. She sprinkled ‘Voodoo Dust’ on the pavement as she chanted weird phrases to frighten bad spirits.

Wow. Dust. Well there you go. I can see the commercials now: “Dust, more than just an annoying allergen.” My favorite part is the “journalist’s” evidence for the effectiveness of Chanty McArmwavy: “And Cage’s efforts appear to have worked its magic – there have been no further accidents since the odd ceremony.”

Nope. Nothing wrong with that reasoning at all. Naturally the lack of occurring accidents would have nothing to do with a lack of a curse in the first place. So of course it had to be because the chanting and dusting somehow creates accident barriers that are impenetrable by SUVs.

Who You Gonna Call? No, not those guys…
You can buy ghosts in a jar. So not only are there ghosts, but you can jar them, and sell them. Good to know. Are we going to have to create a Charter of Ghost Rights and Freedoms? Is it ethically sound to imprison a ghost in a jar? Especially such a tacky jar? The ethical implications of this practice could reverberate throughout society for generations.

Oh I should mention: I know they’re real becaus the company that sells them includes a certificate of authenticity. So there you go.

Each Ghost is captured from a reported haunted establishment, (house, hotel, ship, cemetery, etc), by our Ghost Hunters. We seal the ghost in it’s own bottle. The bottle is sealed for your protection. You may release the Ghost at your own discretion and at your own risk.

It’s good that they take precautions, but what about the ghost’s “protection”. We simply can’t remain silent about such gross mistreatment of our ghostly brethren. The Ghost Hunting profession needs more stringent regulation to ensure that ghosts are treated humanely and that not just anyone can get their hands on a ghost hunting license. Also, we are not being sensitive to ghost culture by locking them all up in the same bottles. Cemetery ghosts might feel more comfortable in more spacious bottles than, say, ship ghosts. And what if they don’t like black!?

The Ghost in the Bottle is contained mysteriously and is therefore sealed with wax shortly after the Ghost is caught. The bottle is sealed for your protection. It comes with very important information . We supply the Ghost, you supply the name. Individual Ghost experiences may vary as “Each Ghost is Unique”!

Ok I’m going to have to break character for a sec because I don’t even understand what “is contained mysteriously and therefore is sealed with wax” means. So the wax is a condition of its mysterious containment? It would be less mysterious without the wax? When did wax become mysterious or a condition for mysteriousness? [Edit: And when did wax become the ultimate barrier between the ghost world and ours?] Philosophers will be pondering this eternal question for centuries to come.

They even have testimonials and warnings. Though, I did notice something rather curious in their Terms and Conditions:

Product Descriptions
Roland-Deese Productions, Corp. attempts to be as accurate as possible. However, Roland-Deese Productions, Corp. does not warrant that product descriptions or other content of this site is accurate, true, complete, reliable, current, or error-free.

Hmm, whatever could that mean? Is it possible that their ghostly claims aren’t entirely on the up and up? I am shocked and appalled.

Edit: And I almost forgot the best one!
PETA is apparently taking advertising strategies from the Fred Phelps handbook of asshole and are using the cold-blooded murder of George Tiller to advertise for animal rights. Cause nothing says “we love animals” like showing up to a funeral with a sign saying “God Hates Hot Dogs”.

They have two billboards: one that says “Pro-life? Go vegetarian” and the other says “Pro-choice? Choose vegetarian”.

Oh I see. They’re not being ridiculously insensitive. They are just showing how much they like vegetarianism (not veganism) by reducing a complex social issue, that incites fear and violence in many people, to 2 slogans for the awesomeness of vegetables. Nothing wrong with that. …Unless you have any sense of decency.


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