So the other thing I found was character summaries of the various Buffy characters to accompany our season summaries. We are some huge ass nerds. Man alive.
Buffy Anne Summers and Buffybot
Strengths: Um…[bored recitative voice] In every generation there is a chosen one. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons, and the forces of darkness. She is the slayer.
Weaknesses: “I just want to be normal.” Buffy seems to think that being a “normal” girl who’s weak, insecure, has ordinary friends that don’t regularly put their lives in danger for her, and goes on the occasional date is much better than having almost every significant male cast-member fall in love with her at some point, SUPERPOWERS, two extraordinarily devoted friends, and Giles. Not to mention that 98% of the guys falling in love with her are so hot I’d like to melt my face on their bumcheeks. Also, she keeps fucking dying so has not technically been “THE” slayer since Season 1.
Significant others: Owen (for about 2 seconds), Angel, Parker (for one night), Riley, Spike, Principal Wood. (Read: “Every hot guy ever on the show”.)
Hotness: 3.5 being splashed with water on a wooden chair our of 5 (because in season 5ish she got freakishly skinny).
Alexander “Xander” Harris
Strengths: This is going to be a tough one since they constantly make it perfectly clear how useless he is (even making a point to have a whole episode dedicated to this). However, I don’t know any other guys that would jump to the defense of his two closest friends when the things he’s defending them against are 2 to 8 times his size, possess super-strength, and knock him unconscious almost every time. So he may be useless but at least he’s got a pair. Of balls.
Weaknesses: Women are this man’s Kryptonite. He is dating the hottest, most popular girl in school despite his being “socially challenged” and cheats on her with the geekiest, most ordinary girl in school at the time. What the flying fuck is that? I mean, sweet merciful crap. No high school kid in the world would jeopardize nailing Charisma fucking Carpenter to make out with Willow. Also, he’s occasionally a little too “Xandler Bing” for my liking – like when they don’t know what to do with him in a particular episode, he’ll just sit in the background occasionally attempting Chandler-esque witticisms that have nothing to do with anything and then everyone looks at him and he slinks away. Oh yeah, and he has a cat face.
Significant others: Bug-lady, Impada, Cordy, made out with Willow a bunch of times, Faith, Anya, some Evil chick played by hip R&B singer at the time (a.k.a. Ashanti), a girl whose puppy got eaten by a giant man-worm, and Anya again.
Hotness: 3 wacky sombreros out of 5
Strengths: Computer whiz, genius, peppy, cute, funny shirts, practically a god. In the first few seasons, always there to get into some perilous situation from which Xander can get knocked unconscious trying to help and Buffy can subsequently rescue them both. In the later seasons, is always there to act all cute and then turn on a dime to be extremely creepy.
Weaknesses: Well she does become addicted to magic and turns a tad, um, evil.
Significant others: Oz (when she was pre-gay), Xander during the making out phase, Oz again, Tara, Tara again, and Kennedy.
Hotness: I apparently “look like her” (read: have red hair) so I’m obligated to say she’s dead sexy.
Cordelia “Cordy” Chase
Strengths: Most popular girl in school, extremely smart (school-wise), also I’m straight as a laser beam and even I’d do her. Gold medalist in the combing of one’s hair and looking in a mirror competition from 1997 to 1999.
Weaknesses: If Eric Cartman were a real person, a girl, and hot, he’d be Cordelia Chase. She is a huge bitch but in a hilarious sort of way I guess. She even made a girl invisible once. She spends most of season 1 screaming in terror…and a lot of season 2 doing the same I guess. Oh, and she also has cat face.
Significant others: Eleventy billion popular guys before they died or exploded or turned into zombie-type things made from the body parts of the recently deceased, Xander (this list does not include the show Angel).
Hotness: 8 melted ice cubes out of 5 ample chests
Strengths: A superhero with glasses!! He is also the most patient man EVER. Also, “She’s not like us.” Chilling.
Weaknesses: Made Behind Blue Eyes a song I can never listen to again without getting icky Giles feelings.
Significant others: Ms. Jenny Calendar, banged Buffy’s mom on the hood of a police car…twice, some chick from England (Olivia) that “stops by” every now and then.
Hotness: 3.5 romance novels out of 5
Strengths: Hair that cannot be destroyed by any Earthly means. It can withstand the most ferocious barrage of wind and damaging sun rays with it’s salon formula mousse shield. This shield is of course most effective if the hair is positioned straight up into the air.
Weaknesses: In the first season, he only appeared in order to mumble something vague about “danger coming” and whatnot and then disappeared into the shadows – a sentence containing just enough information to exist and yet not enough to actually make sense or help in any way whatsoever. He’s kind of a vampire that is good but will lose his soul if he has sex with hot young pieces of ass that he’s in love with…well, that’s gotta blow.
Significant others: Darla, Buffy, awfully “close” to Drusilla occasionally (again, his show not included).
Hotness: 4 bottles of hair gel out of 5
Daniel “Oz” Osbourne
Strengths: Stoicism. He’s a tad werewolf.
Weaknesses: He’s a tad werewolf. Pulled the “I have to disappear for a while for no good reason to find myself or whatever” stunt that seems so very popular with the male characters on the show only to show up again expecting whatever friends and significant others to just remain totally normal and then when they’re not, takes off again.
Significant others: Willow, banged another chick werewolf (Veruca) while in werewolf form.
Hotness: 4.5 leprechauns out of 5
Willam “Spike” Something-or-other
Strengths: He’s a BAD ASSSSSSS!!!!!11
Weaknesses: Spends most of his blood money on Platinum Diva #7 hair dye. Eventually got a chip in his head preventing him from doing anything cool – he was still witty, but he got neutered in the later seasons (see Season 5 where he gets flung aside like a rag-doll by some old man).
Significant others: Drusilla, Harmony, Buffybot, Buffy, the sketchy wedding date, and Anya (one night only).
Hotness: 4 needlessly open shirts out of 5
Riley “I’m a huge pussy” Finn
Strengths: The only ones Riley possesses were given to him artificially by Dr. Frankenbitch (physical strengths). Also, he left eventually.
Weaknesses: Where do I even begin? I’ll start with whiney bitch and move on to LET VAMPIRES FUCKING SUCK ON HIM AT NIGHT. So at first we think everything is great, Riley is this nice awesome guy that is human and normal and gets Buffy away from that ass Parker but he has a seeeeecret [creepy music]. Well, it’s not that bad a secret and actually kind of helps his case a little because he has more in common with Buffy than she thinks. Problem is, he’s a self-conscious, macho, whiney little bitch. You see, Buffy (being the fucking SLAYER and all) is stronger than him. Later, he becomes weaker and this difference is amplified. He also pulls the “she doesn’t love me card” out on several occasions. Rather than talk to his girlfriend about the issues he’s having or break up with her, he puts up with “not being loved” and spends the rest of the time feeling sorry for himself because he’s weak. How? BY LETTING VAMPIRES FUCKING SUCK ON HIM AT NIGHT. And then gives the ol’ “well I’m taking off I guess unless you want to put up with my bullshit…so….see ya.” The worst part about that whole thing is that Buffy, totally out of character, actually has this huge “epiphany” (i.e., Xander reminds her how much being alone sucks) and tries to catch him before he leaves in what has got to be the lamest scene in the whole series.
Significant others: Buffy, various heroin-chic vampire sluts, Wifey McArmypants.
Hotness: 2 vampire-sucked veins out of 5
Aud Anyanka Anya Christina Emanuella Jenkins Harris
Strengths: Used to be a vengeance demon. Is “newly human and strangely literal” (and by that I mean hilarious).
Weaknesses: Bunnies and money. One is due to paralyzing fear and intense hatred and the other is due to a burning passion that is experienced but once in a lifetime. Try to guess which is which. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised.
Significant others: Xander, Spike (one night only), Xander again.
Hotness: 3.5 cheeseburgers out of 5 (she also got freakishly skinny)
Strengths: Non-skinny, attractive cast member (see? it IS possible).
Weaknesses: “But Wiiiiil-LOW, you’re using too much maaaaa-GIC. It’s only for when WE want you to use it. You shouldn’t be doing that when you’re all better than me.”
Significant others: Willow.
Hotness: 4 quartz crystals out of 5
Strengths: Has pretty hair?
Weaknesses: GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT!!!!! Please do me a favor and choke and die. How come all of Buffy’s family members have to be as annoying as possible? I mean, it’s not even really her sister and she still has to put up with this “somebody please pay attention to me!!!!” nonsense? Like she doesn’t have enough stuff to worry about. “I’m sorry I was too busy saving your worthless ass after you summoned some demon, snuck off, or did some otherwise idiotic thing to play Monopoly with you today.” And then they both hug and cry. Her character is pretty much analogous to Michelle Tanner on Full House. If any of you watched that show (it’s ok, we all did it in our younger “experimental” days) you know what I’m talking about. I want to punch her in the trachea.
Significant others: Made out with odd-looking vampire in a car once.
Hotness: ew, she was like 14
Weaknesses: Utterly clueless for the first few seasons – I really wish the writers had given her character a little more credit or let her in on the slayer thing earlier. She got “fed up” with Buffy’s strange behavior and kicked Buffy out of the house and then blamed her for it, she tried to burn Willow and Amy at the stake, and for some reason she has to make Dawn tag along with Buffy and her pals. What the fuck, Joyce? She knows one of her daughters is a frickin’ VAMPIRE SLAYER and gets the younger one to hang out with her CONSTANTLY because she’s too busy at the museum and then gets pissed when Dawn is exposed to “adult themes” and “violent content”. Surprise Joyce, vampires and demons don’t have V-chips.
Significant others: Buffy’s dad, Ted, banged Giles, and Brian (he sends nice flowers that apparently cause aneurisms to burst).
Hotness: 3.5 Xander’s wet dreams out of 5
Worthy of mention:
Didn’t know who the slayer was. Sired Angel. Had the one of the coolest fight scenes in the series (Season 1: “Angel”).
Was a bad-ass witch, turned into a rat for about 4 years, was a bad-ass witch again.
Well she’s pretty hot for a high school Computer Ed. teacher and was Gile’s main mojo for a bit.
Significant others: Giles. But she’s so goddamn horny that’d I’d bet there’s another few dozen names on the list.
Found the only leather store in the world that sells clothes sans fart-noise and can kick ass pretty good in these fart-noiseless clothes suggesting that they may also be sweatless. I want these clothes. But she got a little taste for, um, killing people and became a tad, um, psycho.
Significant others: Fucked Xander, etc. Let’s just say she got around.
One of the most original characters ever. Belligerence with a touch of OCD, polite yet ruthless. Very nice.
He’s Armin frikin’ Shimmerman! WE HAVE TO WIN THE STATE CHAMPIONSHIP!!!!!!!11
Just plain hilarious (well more how Spike treated her than her herself…that was a lot of ‘her’s). Always has the perfect outfit to attempt evil deeds in, but never actually has successfully completed an evil deed.
Significant others: Got around in high school, Spike.
Big bad of Season 5.
Ah Jonathan. Whenever a story needed a memorable tertiary character to be a hostage, screw something up, be made fun of, or sit in the background, Jonathan was there.
“I’m bored. Episode One bored.” Excellent.
Being the cause of Willow almost destroying the all of everything makes one a tad important.