Previously on Lost… SPOILERS

Actually it’s last night on Lost when normal people watch it. Time for another Lost liveblog. Yay! SPOILERS AHEAD

Last time I watched it online and converted the timestamps from clips format to total show format – well this week I’m sick and that’s too much of a pain in the ass.

Clip 1 (4:12 minutes)

1:55 – This random break and enter guy better peruse his way into something interesting fast. “Or maybe it’s in THIS file cabinet…”

2:01 – Amazingly, it was in that very file cabinet. The first file he pulled out. Burglar 1, realism 0.

2:07 – ZOMG! Random fucked up drawings!!

3:48 – So now Locke isn’t Jesus, he’s The Emperor. Or Luke from RotJ…

Clip 2 (12:45 minutes)

0:57 – The pilot and “some woman” took a boat without telling anyone – 5 bucks says it’s “Can I Come” Kate and the only “anyone” they didn’t tell was the tertiaries.

2:08 – What the fuck? John is walking undead or he is alive again? Stop dicking us around and tell us what the smoke monster is already.

2:14 – Yes, we remember – it was last week.

2:59 – Yes, open fractures are gross. Thanks for showing it to us a bunch of times so we can realize the severity of his injury. Cause John’s such a wimp, that only visual confirmation as to the cause of his moaning will sate our belligerent taunting.

3:30 – Is John going to get abducted by terrorists?

4:04 – Oh look! Stereotypical terrorists! Abducting John!

4:45 – Or they are just really passionate about bringing people to the hospital, and yet not passionate enough to give a crap about his injury as they toss him into the back of a pick-up.

5:07 – Hey it’s creepy guy from some other episode!

5:43 – Yeah, I’d pass out too. Cause that was messed up. You don’t just snap a compound fracture back in. Sigh…TV.

6:16 – Hey it’s Whitfuck.

8:00 – Wait, wait, wait. Governed the island peacefully? Oh right, that was AFTER they killed all of the Dharma people. My mistake.

9:00 – I can’t help but think the word “war” is really just overdramatic hyperbole…but I’m willing to find out in case there are LOTR-quality battle scenes with thousands of CGI “others”, smoke monsters, and armored polar bears.

9:11 – The “wrong” side according to what standard? So far they all suck and I have no idea why anyone is so invested in any of this other than the plot requires it.

9:43 – “Press 2-3.” 23 is one of THE numbers! Gasp!

10:11 – Best question ever: “How do I know you’re not the one who’s lying?”

10:12 – Worst answer ever: “Because I haven’t tried to kill you.” Um, genius, that just means you need him for something.

10:50 – Remember when Jack was the main character? Good times.

11:42 – I’m a big man, I don’t need crutches. I look much manlier hopping around on one foot.

11:56 – Oh noes! The dreaded wheelchair! For no fucking reason because he still has 2 working arms, 1 working leg, and is mentally competent enough to use crutches. Oh right – plot: “Remember that time Locke was confined to a wheelchair? He really hated that.”

12:09 – “Anything you need Mr. Locke, you just let me know. ANYTHING.” “Give me a blow job.” “Ok maybe not anything…”

Clip 3 (5:20 minutes)

1:48 – “She was murdered.” And Whitmore will do anything to get you back to the island…then again, so will Ben apparently. Why do they want the same thing? Anyway, one of them was responsible for that.

3:25 – Oh yeah, if they all have to go back, how does Walt and Michael fit into this? Michael died before getting back. And what, was Walt the frigging luggage man on the plan or something?

3:40 – NOT the voice I was expecting to come out of that kid.

Clip 4 (8:29 minutes)

0:55 – How unfortunate that Hugo’s psychosis happens to be seeing dead people.

1:29 – Ok another health care interlude because this is something else about TV that pisses me off: People in mental hospitals don’t putter around all day in their housecoats regardless of social conventions and appropriateness.

1:58 – Hurley’s got the right idea: why are all of you morons trusting everyone? Don’t trust anyone.

3:32 – For some reason the song “Montage” from South Park is stuck in my head. Weird. The lengthy visiting people montaaaage – MONTAGE!

5:11 – “Look how far you’ve come.” BURN!

6:05 – Bahahahahaha! “What happened to her?” Now taking bets. Hit by a marshmallow truck, blew up on re-entry, or mauled in a tragic blender accident.

6:11 – Aneurysm! So close.

6:57 – More of this determinist “destiny” bullshit. No free will for anyone! Although since time travel is possible in the Lost universe, determinism is a necessary consequence to the “anything that happened, happened” rule because any point in time is “the past” to future events from which people can travel. See? I can say smart things.

7:39 – Ben just shot the creepy guy! Or hired someone…

7:45 – He is shooting him a lot.

8:01 – And after all this Locke dies of… Taking bets: food poisoning, allergic reaction to a bee sting, or choking secondary to spontaneous dental hydroplosion. Oh right, they already sad he hanged himself…spoil my fun.

Clip 5 (11:23 minutes)

1:45 – Harsh, Jack, yet hilarious.

4:50 – Ok, if you’re going to hang yourself the one thing you don’t want to skimp on is the knot. Look at that thing.

5:42 – How did Ben find him?

5:45 – “How did you find me?”

6:08 – That tears it! He’s using a wheelchair yet he’s able to weight-bear on a COMPOUND FRACTURE?! [shakes fist of health knowledge]

6:14 – “You shot him.” Uh yeah, I was there 10 minutes ago.

7:24 – Hmmmm, apparently attempting suicide actually causes depression and loss of self-esteem and not the other way around…

9:23 – “Jin is alive?” John, you stupid shithead. “I’m not lying, he’s lying!” “Oh ok! Let me tell you everything I know about everything.”

10:20 – Turning your back on Ben, eh? Telling him even more information, eh? Ok, to each his own I guess…

10:40 – I got the information that I wanted and now I’m going to strangle you. IMAGINE! Remember that time I said “I haven’t tried to kill you” wasn’t convincing if the person needs him for something? What usually happens after someone kept alive for a purpose becomes useless? Toldja so, bitches!

11:10 – They always let go right after the person stops struggling. For once I want the victim to sputter back to life while the assailant is out of breath.

Clip 6 (4:44 minutes)

0:26 – Police: “Wow he killed himself in a really clean room with a really clean cord. I guess he killed himself because of his OCD.”

3:45 – Well at least one of the hurt people is important…music tells me I’m correct…and it’s…Ben? Is Sawyer going to have to kill him for Locke, too?

A-

Better than last week, but my potentially faulty memory tells me that John shows are usually filled with the most information. See you next week.

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