I was just at the Christmas store — oh, sorry, the grocery store — and I wanted to wretch so hard that I would spew the remnants of my mutilated appendix all over the produce. The Christmas music — sweet FSM, the fucking Christmas music! It never stops! And it’s not even the good Christmas music. It’s that contemporary “Beyonce sings Jingle Bells but it’s 10 minutes longer because making every word have 92 syllables means it has soul” garbage.
And it’s every song, too. Not just a few Christmas songs mixed in with regular music. No, it’s 24/7 Christmas-o-rama. And since there aren’t enough songs to fill that, well hello Beyonce crap. I heard a version of “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” that almost made me bean an old lady in the head with a can of peas just for some release. It was the single most excruciating song I have ever had to endure (yes, even more than “My Heart Will Go On”). Not only was it 10 minutes long, but it was not sung by Bing Crosby or Perry Como. What the fuck is even the point to its existence then? Singing the same song longer and with more syllables than someone who did it right the first time doesn’t make it worth listening to. But because there are too many open hours for the store to fill, we get to listen to it anyway. And then there’s that creepy-ass, depressing song from Charlie Brown. You know the one I mean…[shudder].
And then there were the decorations: Red EVERYWHERE. Bows, so many bows. Dismembered tree limbs. Anal-bead-looking wall mounts. Displays. Lighted conifers.
Metric tons of candy and chocolates filled with cheap booze. Pastries and muffins with red and green (I accidentally typed “greed” there at first…hmmm) icing and sprinkles. Yules logs. Christmas cakes. “Happy Holidays!!!!!” Mass shelves of all varieties of nuts as far as the eye can see. Pomegranates? Um, ok. Regular items with the word “Christmas” or “Holiday” on them as if that makes them different.
And the “gifts”. There were pet Christmas presents. No offense to you pet lovers out there, but what the flying fuck do you think your dog is? He doesn’t care if his biscuits come in a little tin that is shaped like a bone. He just cares if you feed him at all. And then licks the remaining bits of his junk. Why are you wasting 10 extra dollars to get biscuits in a tin? You do realize your house is now worthless, right? And you have the money to be spending extra on a tin of biscuits? Ok, so maybe it’s for your friend who has a dog. Or you could get them more biscuits instead of a handful in a fruity bone tin.
War on Christmas?! Are you fucking kidding me???