Doomsday 2012

We’re all gonna die!!!!!! Don’t even bother to head for the hills because they will be gone and/or on fire in 2012.

This is according to the most recent End-of-the-World (EotW) scenario to make the rounds since the year 2000 and the pyramid nonsense. What is this ironclad prediction that has doomed us to oblivion? A calendar that didn’t go on forever. Seriously.

So the Mayans were all like…

Mayan #1: “I’m sick of this shit, I don’t even know if it’s Tuesday, let’s make us a calendar.”
Mayan Scribe: “Sure, we can do that. How far do you want us to go with it?”
Mayan #1: “Well just count upward until some arbitrary date that’s waaaay in the future so that we’re good for a while. I mean, it’s not like you can count forever.”
Mayan Scribe: “Surely not! Haha. Ok I’ll do one cycle and then call it a day. Does that work for you?”
Mayan #1: “Sounds like a plan. Peace out, bro.”
Mayan Scribe: “Holla.”

So any reasonable person would realize that when you make a calendar, you’re probably going to have to stop counting eventually. Particularly if you don’t have a computer. Right? For example, we typically sell calendars for 1-year periods so that we’re not hanging phonebook-sized almanacs of future dates of a tiny wall nail. But instead of realizing that, a group of crazy fucknuts (note that “wiki” does not equal “true”) has interpreted the Mayan calendar ending as “Doomsday” [insert scary music and wavy text indicating that you should be afraid, veeeeeery afraid]. There is even a low-budget straight-to-video movie about it from a Christian point-of-view.

So basically the end of the Mayan arbitrary calendar that miraculously did not go on forever coincides with our arbitrary calendar at the year 2012, on December 21 to be exact. Too bad they couldn’t go with the obvious numerology and make it December 12 (12/12/12)…oh well. The way they count is that they go through a cycle from 0-13 (for a total of 14). There’s a lot of unpronounceable Mayan names for the various components of the dates and the calculations are very complicated so I’ll trust the reader to go find out on their own if they really want to. Suffice it to say, that the Mayans started counting a cycle at around our calendar date of 3114 BCE (so on their calendar and the cycle ends at 2012 CE (their calendar That’s it. There is no indication that the end of the calendar in 2012 is anything more than a simple mathematical foible. By the logic that there will be nothing after the calendar ends, there is nothing before the calendar started too. Because if they had another “0-13” cycle before that surely the world would have ended after that one, right?

Here’s my favorite part. So when Nostradamus was all popular and “predicting” events everyone jumped on that. Well the days came and went and we sort of forgot about Nostradamus because the so-called predictions were useless until an event happened and the quatrains were subsequently reinterpreted by John Hogue to fit the recent event. Then the year 2000 brought Y2K and the pyramid “calendars” and when nothing happened we forgot about that too. Now we have the rapture being predicted every year, but because that’s a bunch of American evangelicals, we can ignore them pretty easily as “religious nuts”.

The Mayans however have the paranormal trifecta of 1) ancient, 2) mysterious, and 3) intelligent. Because their society is old and we’re such egotistical bastards, it’s totally adorable and amazing that they were at all intelligent. So if they do anything at all, like write calendars, it must have some hidden meaning and be even more intelligent and anciently wise than we can possibly interpret. I’m not sure how that makes sense, but that seems to be the vibe from these people. Hello, the Mayans lived only a few thousand years ago, that’s nothing in evolutionary terms. We still have essentially the same brains. Sigh. Moving on.

The Mayan Doomsday crowd makes no verifiable predictions of the end of the world so there’s no signs to look for that can be falsified and no weird religious beliefs that can be ridiculed. The Mayan calendar just ends. Beautiful. It’s the perfect scenario for the local doomsayer. And after 2012 has gone by with no ill effects, we’ll have some other “prediction” to look forward to. And if something bad ever does happen in a year that the people who guess every year happened to have guessed again, we’ll get the “aha!” of triumph and glee that they were proven right.

No I was wrong that’s my favorite part. The fact that these people are so determined to believe that the world is doomed. How do these people go about their days believing this? Why even bother if you know the world is going to end? Also, as in this case, if this doom is inevitable and caused by the ending of a calendar and not the sum of our sins or something, why even bother to warn people? Do they want to cause needless panic? Do they want the satisfaction of being right? I find such satisfaction highly ironic, as if the world is ended they won’t be around to gloat to anyone anyway.

Anyway, there is no reason to believe that the 2012 doomsday is any more sensible than the other doomsdays that have come and gone with no ill-effects. Also, if something happens to occur in 2012 (as happens in every other calendar year) such as earthquakes, floods, disease, etc., it is not necessarily related to an ancient Mayan prediction. It could be a coincidence owing to the fact that, like I said, natural disasters and the like happen all the time. Basically for this prediction to be verified, the world will have to end. Done. Gone. So the only way to verify the 2012 doomsday is if there is no one around to verify it.

Unless there are degrees to the world ending. Maybe an Adam and Eve type are supposed to survive and repopulate? Is a temporary internet outage in North America enough to be considered the world ending? They’ve set this up so that pretty much anything can happen that year and it will confirm at least part of their belief that the world has “ended”. Maybe they just mean the world as we know it. Well, what the hell does that mean?

This year we had a prediction that the world was going to end on June 12th, 2008. [Looks around.] Well unless I’m in some weird limbo where I still have my computer and access to a blog, I’d say that one is out the window. This was on the heels of a previous prediction that the world was going to end in 2007 on June 12th. When that didn’t happen, the people promoting this were like “whoops, our bad it’s next year”. Even more interesting is that the exact same thing happened for June 12th, 2006.

One thing I noticed when getting links and information for this post was that the pages that talked about the world ending next year or something were likely to link to pages about other doomsday predictions such as 2012. These people just want the frigging Earth to explode. I mean, if you seriously believe that the world is going to end this year (or whenever), why would you even entertain the idea that the end of the world is on another day long enough to link to it?

Ok so I think I’ve ridiculed this enough for today – well no, this can’t possibly be ridiculed enough, but I have to stop typing eventually. By the way, I don’t want my inevitable cessation of typing to be interpreted such that the world will end if you get to the bottom of the page. I simply got tired of hearing myself complain. I’ll end with some bullet points:

  • Doomsday scenarios are ridiculous because they tell us nothing helpful and they are said to be inevitable in most cases anyway.
  • Every prediction of doomsday thus far has been wrong (obviously).
  • Any event ever that coincides with a “predicted” date can later be postdicted to match and interpreted as correct even if the event does not match the criteria of the original prediction. For example, after 9/11/2001 Nostradamus was all of a sudden predicting fire and brimstone with buildings in the “new” city (nonsense – and I’m DEFINITELY getting to John Hoag in a future post).
  • The practice of doomsaying is depressing and useless.

This is one of those things that’s not a matter of opinion so I don’t feel the need to be nice. Doomsaying is RIDICULOUS. It’s failed time and again. Even if it does predict something real, we’re all doomed so who cares? There’s nothing I can do about it, so why worry? Just be happy, accept your existence, and shut up.


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